THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR PARTNER DURING A FIGHT

Every couple argues, but these words will turn a spat into an all-out-war. Here, the phrases to avoid, and what to do if one passes your lips because hey, it happens.
"I want a divorce" In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say things you don't mean, but every expert we spoke with agreed that this statement can't easily be taken back-no matter how many times you apologize or swear you didn't mean it. "Statements like 'I'm done with this' or 'I'm leaving' breed insecurity," explains Judi Cinéas, a marriage and family therapist based in Palm Beach, FL. "I always tell clients that this should only be said if you're ready to sign the papers." So what happens if it slips? Apologize and explain that it will never happen again, but know it might be awhile before your partner fully trusts you. And it also may be time for you to do some soul-searching. If you truly blurted it out in a fit of rage, it could be helpful to work through your anger with a professional. But if you said it because it's on your mind, that's indicative of much deeper issues than the argument du jour. "I'm not mad" So why are you rolling your eyes, slamming doors, and grunting one-word responses to his questions? Because you don't want to be mad, which isn't quite the same thing as not being mad. "Shutting down and trying to ignore our emotions is an incredibly common reaction to conflict," says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. "We want to be accepted and not have people upset with us." Not only that, but sometimes it's hard to know why you're so annoyed-or you might feel silly explaining why his failure to text that he's running late created this reaction, especially if you haven't cared in the past. If you find yourself tongue-tied when your temper flares, it's fine to take a break and talk when you've cooled down-even if it's just to let him know how confused you feel. "You're just like your father" Chances are, you're not saying this because they both do magic tricks or make amazing pancakes-you're saying it to hurt him, and you know it. But this is a low blow for a few reasons. First, by comparing him to his dad, you're expressing that you're no longer seeing him for him. "Everyone wants to be seen as an individual," reminds Cinéas. Second, he likely has tried hard to avoid whatever trait you're bringing up, which will immediately put him on the defensive and ratchet up the emotional stakes in an argument. "You're such a jerk/coward/expletive of choice" Weirdly, name-calling triggers the same vulnerabilities as negatively comparing him with someone else-you're telling him that you no longer see him as an individual, says Amy Johnson, Ph.D., a psychologist and life coach in Detroit. "Not only that, but name-calling is a definite sign that your emotions are coloring the situation to the point where nothing constructive will occur. Fighting while you're in that state is like fighting while you're drunk, or on an hour of sleep-it won't make anything better." Instead, give yourself time to calm down by telling your guy you're going to grab coffee and will be back in an hour. And come home when you say you will-if you don't, they'll be more anger, warns Cinéas. "Look, now the baby is upset, too" Once the crying starts, it looks like you've got the guilt card on lock-but experts warn that it's a dirty hand to play, even if it does make you seem like the victor in the spat. "One person cannot have an argument," reminds Cinéas. If the baby's wailing, it's a sign both of you are getting riled up. Call a truce, calm down the baby-and yourself-and then begin talking through things calmly. Also, if your kids are older, don't claim you're not fighting if it's clear that you are. Instead, let them know you both lost your tempers, but that you still love each other, and you will work it out, because you always do in the end. "You did the same thing last time" Little disagreements become big ones when we bring them up over and over again, reminds Cinéas. "When you've forgiven someone for something, that means that you can't use it as ammunition in a current disagreement." If you find you're continually circling around the same tiny arguments, it could be a sign you should do something different. If he always forgets to wipe down the counters, he's not doing it because he wants a fight-he may not see the mess you do. The easiest option: Take over counter duty and trade him a chore he won't skip. "You're always late" Stewing because he arrived nearly half an hour past the time you were supposed to meet for dinner, again? Well, blurting this out makes it even more likely this will happen the next time, says Bahar.